put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
