how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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