remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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