These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
