Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
