A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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