I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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