somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Randomize
