my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
