so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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