i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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