shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
