Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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