I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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