Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
