smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
