She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
