i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
