Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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