I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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