when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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