thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
