I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
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I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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