My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
