Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
