Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
