I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
