Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
