About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
