Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
