did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
