I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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