I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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