This is not my ceiling
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
