look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
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also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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