I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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