I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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