I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
