Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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