I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
