i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I lost the right to judge tonight
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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