I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
