Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
