my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
