Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
