I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
