I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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