maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
