So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
