I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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