capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
