I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
